Army Medical Care

By: Grey Eagle | 27 May 06

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic syphilis, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” said the Major.
He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir.”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front, Sir.”
“Good man,” barked the Major.
He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day.”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!”


Barbie and G.I. Joe

By: Grey Eagle | 27 May 06

One afternoon, a woman and her little daughter went into a large toy store. The mother asked her daughter what toys she wanted.
The little girl said, “I want GI Joe and Barbie.”
The mother smiled and said, “Darling, you know Barbie doesn’t come with GI Joe.”
The little girl looked up at her mom and replied, “Mom, Barbie ALWAYS comes with GI Joe. She just FAKES it with Ken.”


Top 10 List: Reasons Army Impacted Family Life

By: Grey Eagle | 27 May 06

10. Last night you had a dream and everyone was using acronyms.
9. You think Ft. Polk is a resort area.
8. You have 3 sons and their names are Riley, Hood, and Stewert.
7. Your baby’s first words were Hooha!!!
6. Your relatives refuse to write your phone # down in ink in their address book.
5. You have a bumper sticker that reads, I’d rather be packing out!!
4. Your spouse tells you they are going TDY and you immediately think of ways how to spend the extra money!
3. Your children ask if they can go to the PX while you are on leave.
2. Every time there is a threat of any kind in the world, your mom calls and asks if your spouse knows anything about it.

……and the number one reason

1. When you go the PX, your 10 month old calls out daddy to anyone wearing a set of BDU’S


You might be a little TOO Hooah if…

By: Grey Eagle | 27 May 06

Your kids call the sandbox “NTC”.

  • Your wife has mermites in the China Cabinet.
  • Your older kids call the youngest one “Cherry”.
  • When your wife left you, you had a Change of Command.
  • Your wife carries a buttpack instead of a Gucci purse.
  • Your kids would rather get SIMNET than Nintendo 64.
  • When your family gets together, you call them “Slice Elements”.
  • You butter your toast with a bayonet.
  • If your kids get a wrong answer in school they immediately drop and knock out 20.
  • Your personal license plate says “At Ease”.
  • All of your kids’ names begin with “AR”.
  • Your grandmother won the Week of the Eagles.
  • Your POV has your name stenciled on the windshield.
  • Anyone using the TV remote control must dispatch it first.
  • Your kids are hand receipt holders.
  • Your kids practice Drill and Ceremony at recess.
  • Your dog’s name is “Ranger”.
  • Your kids pull night guard shifts by the mailbox.
  • Your wife has a better high and tight than your commander.
  • Your kids sound off with “Airborne” or “Air Assault” every time their left foot hits the ground.
  • Your wife won’t buy anything unless it has a National Stock Number.
  • Your kids have to wax and buff the floor before going to school.
  • When your dog died, he got a 21-gun salute at Arlington.
  • Your kids call their teachers “REMFs” and the other kids at school “legs.”
  • Your daughter’s dolls wear starched uniforms.
  • Your daughter complained that her new Barbie’s hair wasn’t within regulation and then cut it.
  • If your kids fail a test, they get a Letter of Reprimand and an Article 15.
  • Your kids salute their grandparents.
  • Your kids get an LES with their allowance.
  • All your meals at home are MREs.
  • Your kids painted their Big Wheels camouflage and stuck bumper numbers on them.
  • All your household possessions were issued by CIF.
  • Your kids get sent to the “big house” at Leavenworth if they’re disrespectful.
  • Your kids complain if they can’t have gym class five days a week.
  • Everyone does six pullups before sitting down at the dinner table.

By: Symatx’s Military Humor Page


When You Just Can Make This Stuff Up

By: Grey Eagle | 27 May 06

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
              - Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
————————————————————————
“Aim towards the Enemy.”
             - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
————————————————————————
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
             - U.S. Marine Corps
————————————————————————
“Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate.  The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.”
             - USAF Ammo Troop
————————————————————————
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
             - Infantry Journal
————————————————————————
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
             - U.S. Air Force Manual
————————————————————————
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”
             - General Macarthur
————————————————————————
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
             - Infantry Journal
————————————————————————
“You, you, and you … Panic.  The rest of you, come with me.”
             - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
————————————————————————
“Tracers work both ways.”
             - U.S. Army Ordnance
————————————————————————
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
             - Infantry Journal
————————————————————————
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.”
             - U.S. Navy Swabbie
————————————————————————
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
             - David Hackworth
————————————————————————
“If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush.”
             - Infantry Journal
————————————————————————
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
             - Joe Gay
————————————————————————
“Any ship can be a minesweeper once.”
             - Anonymous
————————————————————————
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
             - Unknown Marine Recruit
————————————————————————
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
             - Your Buddies
————————————————————————
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
             - USAF Ammo Troop
————————————————————————
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”   - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
————————————————————————
“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.”
             - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
————————————————————————
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
————————————————————————
“Blue water Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.”
             - From an old carrier sailor
————————————————————————
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.”
————————————————————————
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
————————————————————————
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”
————————————————————————
“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?  If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ….the pilot dies.”
————————————————————————
“Never trade luck for skill.”
————————————————————————
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
“Why is it doing that?”,
“Where are we?”
and “Oh Shit!”
———————————————————————–
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
————————————————————————
“Progress in airline flying:  now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.”
————————————————————————
“Airspeed, altitude and brains.  Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
————————————————————————
“A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.”
————————————————————————
“I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.”
————————————————————————
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”
————————————————————————
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.”
————————————————————————
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
————————————————————————
“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”
————————————————————————
“Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.”
————————————————————————
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:  “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.”
————————————————————————
“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.”
             - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
————————————————————————
“A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its maximum.”
             - Jon McBride, astronaut
————————————————————————
“If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.”
             - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
————————————————————————
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
————————————————————————
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
             - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
————————————————————————
“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”
————————————————————————
Basic Flying Rules:  “Try to stay in the middle of the air.  Do not go near the edges of it.  The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there.”
————————————————————————
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.”
————————————————————————
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks “What happened?”.   The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!”
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

 


Your Family Might Be Hooah If…

By: Grey Eagle | 27 May 06

~Your newborn must attend Rip within the first 30 days of life…
~Your wife’s two favorite shades of lipstick are light green and loam…
~Your children clear housing before going to college…
~You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in you floorboard as part of a routine tune-up…
~Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights…
~Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus…
~Your kids call their mother “Household 6.”
~You give the command “Fix bayonets” at Thanksgiving Dinner…
~Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations…
~You make your daughter sign out on Prom Night…
~You refer to your spouse affectionately as “the wifely unit.”
~Your wife conducts an AAR hotwash after sex…
~Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a “phase three recycle.”
~Your kids get an LES for their allowance…
~You threaten to punish your spouse for having dinner too late by reducing her to “Wife First Class.”
~Your kids recite their ABC’s phonetically…
~Your wife left you and you held a “Change of Command” ceremony…
~Your dog’s name is “Trooper.”
~Your son’s name is “Ranger.”
~All your possessions are military issue…
~Your kids fashion silly putty to look like Claymores and put them at the perimeter of the backyard…
~your newborn’s first words were “all OK Jumpmaster.”


Army Wisdom

By: Grey Eagle | 24 May 06

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled “This side toward enemy” for a reason.
Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever, ever volunteer to do anything.

Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it’s stupid but works, it really isn’t stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.

The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re not ready for them.

b. When you’re ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.


There Are Worse Places To Live

By: Grey Eagle | 24 May 06

iraq_mj

                                  (click on picture for enlarged picture)


Speed Trap

By: Grey Eagle | 24 May 06

apache_speed_trap

                                        (click on picture for enlarged picture)


New Recruit Training Standards

By: Grey Eagle | 24 May 06

WASHINGTON - (AP) In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

(joke was obviously made up by a Marine - Grey Eagle)

HAIRCUTS:

Marines-heads will be shaved.

Army-flat-tops for all recruits.

Navy-no haircut standard.

Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

 

TRAINING HOURS:

Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.

Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.

Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.

Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.

 

MEALS:

Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

Army-one hot meal, 2 MRE’s.

Navy-3 hot meals.

Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.

 

LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines-none.

Army-4 hours a week.

Navy-2 days a week.

Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

 

PROTOCOL:

Marines-will address all officers as “Sir” and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).

Army-will address all officers as “Sir”, unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel Sarge.

Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.

Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.

 

DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

Marines-medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.

Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown,

fitness test passed, and bed made.

Navy-will have ships engineers make medals for them as needed.

Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.

 

CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.

Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.

Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to our sailors.

Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and grey service chevrons and name tapes on them.

 

CAREER FIELDS:

Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.

Army-doesn’t matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.

Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.

Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.